Rules of marriage

The missusMonkey & I are coming up on 15 years, here. So, I’ve decided to pass down a synopsis of what I’ve learned from being married for a decade & a half.

Feel free to accept or reject this advice, but don’t deny it’s way more practical than “til death do us part.”

The 25 most important rules of marriage –in no particular order:

  1. They must never wallpaper together.
  2. She gets unlimited access to his t-shirt drawer.
  3. She gets an extra alcoholic beverage when out for dinner (if he’s driving). He must not complain.
  4. She must not talk during the fourth quarter of the Rose Bowl. At all.
  5. She must not act aggressively to strangers/bad drivers. He must still defend her if when she does.
  6. The decision to have a child comes with a commitment that the parent of the same gender must accompany said child to the toilet. An exception shall be made if the child is less than two years old.
  7. He must use a bathroom on the other side of the house for his daily constitutional.
  8. There shall be two closets. Both for her.
  9. He must respond instantly to a call of “Spider!”
  10. He must pull all dropped earrings out of the toilet.
  11. Whichever spouse has had the worst day gets the last bit of wine from the bottle. If both have had an equally worse day, she gets the remainder (he’ll probably be drinking Scotch anyway).
  12. She shall not complain about his scruffy beard, if she has shin stubble so stiff that it could be used to scrub the rust off a grill.
  13. He must not complain about the way she mows the grass. She must not complain about the way he vacuums.
  14. He must hold her hair when she vomits.
  15. She has fancy china. He has remote controls. Both must be respected.
  16. He is allowed to have a crush on Monica Bellucci. She is allowed to drool over Brad Pitt. Both shall be secure enough to not let this bother them.
  17. The first one awake brews the coffee. No fair cheating pretending to be asleep.
  18. Both must take turns hollering at the kids being the “bad parent.”
  19. One shall enjoy a back- or shoulder-rub without the expectation of having to return the favor immediately. Up to one day may pass before “re-backrubbing” the spouse. Only one day, however.
  20. She must at least pretend to be interested as he excitedly explains (for the 37th time) the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, or the NHL’s 2-line pass rule, or why Mikey had to hide in Sicily.
  21. She parks in the garage, he parks in the driveway.
  22. She must inform him immediately if any lights appear on her car’s dashboard. “Immediately” does not mean a week or two.
  23. She gets the last piece of chocolate.
  24. He gets the last piece of pizza.
  25. She has shoes. He has caps. Leave each other alone about it.

3 Responses to “Rules of marriage”


  • Congratulations and joyous wavings of hands in a celebratory manner.

    And nice list, very enlightening :-)

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