Archive for the 'Family' Category

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The more things change…

On any given Saturday in the 1970s, my father would be fixing something on the car. He wasn’t necessarily a gearhead – he didn’t work on the car for kicks, only for repair jobs. Typically he would find out during Thursday’s supper what needed fixed that week.

“The car’s making that clanging sound again,” Mom would say.

My father would pick at his potatoes. “What kind of clanging?”

“Like clickclickclickclick when I turn the wheel.”

“Clicking or clanging? You said clanging.”

“What? oh- sort of a click-clangy thing,” Mom would say, before addressing me. “Give your father your leftover potatoes.”

So that Saturday, by the time I came up after morning cartoons, Dad would already be underneath the car. I never really knew what he was doing under there. From my nine-year-old vantage point, he was just a pair of legs, knees to feet. Every fifteen minutes or so a curse word would float up from underneath the car, after he banged his thumb or stripped a bolt or got rust in his eye. Occasionally he would work for hours and come up for air, grabbing at a tall glass of iced tea that was always stained with greasy fingerprints.

Sometimes I’d get to help. He’d invite me to lay down on the grimy mechanic’s blanket, scooch under the car, and threaten my life with dire warnings about even touching the carefully-placed jack. Like most nine-year-old boys, though, ‘helping’ usually meant being the tool caddy. “Hand me that 5/8ths. No, that’s a 7/8ths. The 5/8ths!” he would say. “There! Right by your hand!”

‘Helping’ also meant that I often got to accompany him to the parts store. We’d enter the freezing cold store, stride up to the counter, where Dad would start fingering through the catalog until the rep came over to him. “What can I do for ya?” Gotta replace my rocker arm. “What type?” Ford. “Model?” Brougham, Ltd., 1971. “No problem. Got ‘em in the back.” Then dad would pay, and take the change and buy us both a Pepsi – if I had been good.

Times are different now. Cars are made to last forever. When they do break, it’s often something that’s too complicated for a weekend mechanic to fix. Even my father, who spent a lifetime of weekends on his back, staring up at the grimy rust of one car or another, now prefers to take it into the shop. The mechanics hook the car up to a computer and instantly diagnose the problem. No trial and error, no unnecessary trips to the parts store, no guess-timation. A computer doesn’t tell you that the car is “click-clanging,” and give you a list of possible problems. Just drive in, hook it up, and there’s your problem, Mac; that’ll be $150.

Computers and advanced technology have made so many things easier. Kids nowadays don’t have the same experiences I did. I often wonder if they’re missing something that people of my generation shared.

I was thinking about this just last Saturday, while I was installing a new router on my home network. My wife had been complaining about some sporadic problems with the old setup, so on my day off, I crawled underneath the desk, through the spaghetti strings of computer cabling, to access the back of my primary PC to see if I could figure out the problem. My six-year-old crawled beside me, and I threatened her life with all the dire warnings of what could happen if she even touched the surge protector. “Pass me that ethernet cable. No, that’s the USB. The ethernet!” I instructed. “There! Right by your hand!”

After some fruitless tinkering, I gave up and decided that it was probably time to go ahead and make the upgrade to wi-fi. So I threw my six-year-old in the car, and headed to CompUSA.

“What can I do for you?” Gotta replace my router. “What type?” PC. “Model?” Wi-fi, 802.11b, g. I paid up – and yes – I took the change & bought a Diet Coke for us to share on the way home.

It’s amazing what can change in thirty years.

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Yay parenthood

Things I can’t believe I’ve said to my daughters:

  • No, honey, there’s always only been three fish in the fishtank.
  • Ouch. Don’t worry, it’s okay – you’ve got plenty of blood.
  • Hit Daddy in the nads again, and I’ll chain you to a pipe in the crawlspace.
  • Br- uh, Cel- uh, Mad- uh, whoever you are, clean that mess up.
  • Which one of you flushed a size 4t dress shoe?
  • You – why is your foot wet?
  • *munch*munch* no sweetie, nere’s no cookies neft. *munch*
  • Let’s see… hmmm… nope, sorry, Kipper’s not on right now… but Look! There’s a cool football game!! Wanna watch it instead?
  • Get out of your carseat again, and Daddy gets his duct tape out.
  • Yes, you’ll love it. I put sugar in it.
  • All boys secrete poison. Your mom and I will give you the antidote on the day of your wedding.
  • Wow! That is such a great picture of the rabbit! Mommy? Yeah, it’s a great picture of Mommy!
  • What’s your mom’s cell phone number again?
  • What’s my cell phone number again?
  • C’mere and pull my finger.
  • I SAID…leave the baby’s eyes alone. They have to stay inside her head.
  • No, you CAN’T pee standing up like da – hey, now, I said you ca – stopstopSTOP—aaah, crap. Told you. Now clean that up.

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Yay parenthood – summertime edition

summertime

Sleepovers; cool aloe on sunburns; the gentle breeze of a long bike ride; sweet, tart lemonade from a lemonade stand; leaning as far back on the swings as possible, staring at the clouds; violent thunderstorms with gusty winds that make the trees look angry; bathing suits, water sprinklers & wet grass between the toes; the deafening sound of a nearby cicada; skinned knees; scratching mosquito bites; running from the sultry, sweaty outside into the cool of the basement; the sharp smell of fresh-cracked peppercorns sprinkled on the hot charcoal; how good it feels to step into the soft grass after walking barefoot on the blazing heat of the patio brick; the smell of the lilac bush in May, and the lavender in July; the wonderful hot juice from a ripe tomato; corn so sweet your hands get sticky from shucking it; still playing tag at 9 o’clock; fireflies in jars; taking long afternoon naps in front of an oscillating fan; and the Milky Way stretching overhead like the backbone of the night.

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A helpful translator

What she says: “Hey, know what I was just thinkin’?”
What she means: Get your toolbelt out, dude; your day is shot.
How you respond: [groan] “What?” *do what she says*
How you should NEVER respond: “Here’s my credit card… why don’t you go shopping while I watch the game?”

What she says: “Are you cold?”
What she means: Get a blanket for me.
How you respond: Get a blanket for her.
How you should NEVER respond: Offer to burn her old Tae-Bo videos for warmth.

What she says: “If I gave you one ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card to use, who would you use it on?”
What she means: I am thinking about Brad Pitt right now. Ask me the same question, so I can say Brad Pitt.
How you respond: “Nobody, sweetie. Why, who would you choose?” *she says Brad Pitt*
How you should NEVER respond: “I dunno; I’d probably use it on the lady who lives next door or something.”

What she says: “Do I look fat in this?”
What she means: Years of society repression, combined with the psychological scarring of a father who was never there for me, have left me with a deep-seated hatred of myself. I have no self-esteem, not even enough to get mad at myself, so I’ll put you on the spot so that I can get mad at you instead.
How you respond: “No way.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Does which part look fat?”

What she says: “WWWWHAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!”
What she means: I am due.
How you respond:*buy chocolate*
How you should NEVER respond: So… what’re we havin’ for dinner?

What she says: “Honey… are you in there?”
What she means:
Why does he need to take 45-minute dumps, anyway?
How you respond: [groan] “Be out in a minute, babe.” *stop reading War and Peace, wash hands*
How you should NEVER respond: “Be out in a minute, babe.” *finish reading War and Peace*

What she says: “When is the game over?”
What she means: A Law and Order rerun is on, and I don’t want to go upstairs and watch it. Sure, I’ve seen it five times before, but he has no need to hog the High-Def TV for something as silly as the Rose Bowl.
How you respond: “Just a couple more minutes, sweetie.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Which Law and Order? Is it one with that Angie Harmon lawyer-chick?”

What she says: “Are you still up there writing?”
What she means: Is he still writing in that stupid blog?
How you respond: “Be done in a minute.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Be done in a minute… I’m just finishing up a post about you, babe.”

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Yay parenthood

“Look, Daddy! I have a penis!â€

Oh, lord, what now. I’m afraid to look at her. I turn to see her three-year old naked body arched back, her hands pinching her privates into a phallic mass. She is giggling, obviously pleased with her new trick.

Of course, it’s the most hilarious thing I’ve seen. Well, the funniest thing I’ve seen today, anyway. But one look from the wife tells me that I can’t encourage such behavior, so I clench my teeth and pretend not to be interested. “Yeah, neat, honey.â€

The child senses my struggle not to laugh, and adds a final sound effect. “Look! Pssshhhhh…†pretending to pee on the ferret. Now he looks at me.

It’s a familiar look.

“I swear to all that’s holy this comes from your family,†my wife says in exasperation.

Continue reading ‘Yay parenthood’

A quiet game

Late summer 1985, and I’ve been told to get to bed. I’m just beginning the seventh grade, and Mom and Dad are enforcing the bedtime rules. Lying in bed, I struggle to fall asleep, even though the room isn’t quite dark yet. I can hear the sounds of a late summer night though my open bedroom window: a dog barking; an occasional car whooshing down the street, temporarily drowning out the mad cacophony of frogs and insects; the neighbor’s sprinkler swishing in his front yard, striking our aluminum siding every 43 seconds.

I hear Daddy’s footsteps pounding up the stairs. He opens the door gently, and pokes his head in. I’m pretending to be asleep. “Psst. Hey. Get up. He’s about to do it,†he whispers.
Continue reading ‘A quiet game’

Yay parenthood

“Daddy, whatcha doin?”

“Making dinner, sweetie.”

“Daddy, whatcha doin?”

“Still making dinner, sweetie.”

“Daddy, whatcha doin?”

“Making. Dinner. Where’s your mother?”

“Daddy, whatcha doin?”

“Mixing a drink.”

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