Archive for the 'Humor' Category
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Housecat chases a black bear up a tree. Priceless.
Image credit Suzanne Giovanetti, AP. Click to embiggenate.
I have discovered the secret of the universe. As I suspected all along, the answer can be found using donut theory.
Vhat? De Donut tery? Fascinating. Proceed.
It came to me suddenly, while watching someone eat a double-chocolate glazed pastry at Tim Horton’s. I noticed something… she didn’t eat the donut’s hole. She simply ate around the hole, and left the hole on the table, right beside her crumpled-up napkin.
Ah… yes. A vaste, no? But I sink you are on to somesing.
Now, it has been determined that the holes in the donuts do not decay. Most people only eat the ‘accretion disk’ pastry around the hole – just like she did – leaving the hole to float away afterwards. Hawking predicts that the energy of these floating holes must be conserved somehow, and is usually returned to spacetime via quantum forces.
…yes… yes…
Of course, this results in a standard ‘vacuum energy’ effect, which produces a negative acceleration in response to a gravitational field. Hence, the rate of expansion of spacetime increases with each donut consumed.
Eureka! Quite ze elegant tery. Unt delicious, as vell. Aha! Mein krapfen! Do you realize vaht this implies?
What?
Zat ze rate of expansion of spacetime is directly proportional to ze expansion of one’s vaistline!
“Look, Daddy! I have a penis!â€
Oh, lord, what now. I’m afraid to look at her. I turn to see her three-year old naked body arched back, her hands pinching her privates into a phallic mass. She is giggling, obviously pleased with her new trick.
Of course, it’s the most hilarious thing I’ve seen. Well, the funniest thing I’ve seen today, anyway. But one look from the wife tells me that I can’t encourage such behavior, so I clench my teeth and pretend not to be interested. “Yeah, neat, honey.â€
The child senses my struggle not to laugh, and adds a final sound effect. “Look! Pssshhhhh…†pretending to pee on the ferret. Now he looks at me.
It’s a familiar look.
“I swear to all that’s holy this comes from your family,†my wife says in exasperation.
I’ve been wondering…
You’ll often hear people say, “it’s not like rocket science or anything.”
I wonder… what do rocket scientists say?
I’ll bet that they say “It’s not like talking to girls or anything.”
