I have discovered the secret of the universe. As I suspected all along, the answer can be found using donut theory.

Vhat? De Donut tery? Fascinating. Proceed.

It came to me suddenly, while watching someone eat a double-chocolate glazed pastry at Tim Horton’s. I noticed something… she didn’t eat the donut’s hole. She simply ate around the hole, and left the hole on the table, right beside her crumpled-up napkin.

Ah… yes. A vaste, no? But I sink you are on to somesing.

Now, it has been determined that the holes in the donuts do not decay. Most people only eat the ‘accretion disk’ pastry around the hole - just like she did - leaving the hole to float away afterwards. Hawking predicts that the energy of these floating holes must be conserved somehow, and is usually returned to spacetime via quantum forces.

…yes… yes…

Of course, this results in a standard ‘vacuum energy’ effect, which produces a negative acceleration in response to a gravitational field. Hence, the rate of expansion of spacetime increases with each donut consumed.

Eureka! Quite ze elegant tery. Unt delicious, as vell. Aha! Mein krapfen! Do you realize vaht this implies?

What?

Zat ze rate of expansion of spacetime is directly proportional to ze expansion of one’s vaistline!

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