What she says: “Hey, know what I was just thinkin’?”
What she means: Get your toolbelt out, dude; your day is shot.
How you respond: [groan] “What?” *do what she says*
How you should NEVER respond: “Here’s my credit card… why don’t you go shopping while I watch the game?”

What she says: “Are you cold?”
What she means: Get a blanket for me.
How you respond: Get a blanket for her.
How you should NEVER respond: Offer to burn her old Tae-Bo videos for warmth.

What she says: “If I gave you one ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card to use, who would you use it on?”
What she means: I am thinking about Brad Pitt right now. Ask me the same question, so I can say Brad Pitt.
How you respond: “Nobody, sweetie. Why, who would you choose?” *she says Brad Pitt*
How you should NEVER respond: “I dunno; I’d probably use it on the lady who lives next door or something.”

What she says: “Do I look fat in this?”
What she means: Years of society repression, combined with the psychological scarring of a father who was never there for me, have left me with a deep-seated hatred of myself. I have no self-esteem, not even enough to get mad at myself, so I’ll put you on the spot so that I can get mad at you instead.
How you respond: “No way.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Does which part look fat?”

What she says: “WWWWHAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!”
What she means: I am due.
How you respond: *buy chocolate*
How you should NEVER respond: So… what’re we havin’ for dinner?

What she says: “Honey… are you in there?”
What she means: Why does he need to take 45-minute dumps, anyway?
How you respond: [groan] “Be out in a minute, babe.” *stop reading War and Peace, wash hands*
How you should NEVER respond: “Be out in a minute, babe.” *finish reading War and Peace*

What she says: “When is the game over?”
What she means: A Law and Order rerun is on, and I don’t want to go upstairs and watch it. Sure, I’ve seen it five times before, but he has no need to hog the High-Def TV for something as silly as the Rose Bowl.
How you respond: “Just a couple more minutes, sweetie.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Which Law and Order? Is it one with that Angie Harmon lawyer-chick?”

What she says: “Are you still up there writing?”
What she means: Is he still writing in that stupid blog?
How you respond: “Be done in a minute.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Be done in a minute… I’m just finishing up a post about you, babe.”

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