Archive for the 'Humor' Category

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Assault on Battery leads to charges

Published on 17 July 2006 in Fiction and Humor. 0 Comments

battery
Franklin County – Newswire

Clarence Vohltz has been formally charged in the brutal assault of Arthur Battery, of Franklin County.

“This is our attempt to bring a positive reaction to a horrible set of events,” said the Franklin County prosecutor. “As this office has committed before, we are ever-ready to fight this recurrent negative influence in our community.”

Battery is recuperating from injuries sustained in the shocking July 16th attack. While waiting for an automotive technician to arrive after his car malfunctioned, he was approached by Vohltz, who allegedly robbed and beat Battery with a copper-zinc pipe.

Battery’s wife reported that he “was just waiting for the AAA attendant to arrive and give him a jump start. Before Art knew what was happening, Vohltz was all over him. My husband tried to cooperate with him, but Vohltz was so amped up, he just kept going and going.

“I’m so angry. If Art dies, I hope they send Vohltz to the electric chair.”

Battery’s injuries are not expected to be terminal. Still, the prosecutor is prepared to pursue the death penalty if Battery begins to die. “It is within our power to do so, and to do otherwise would only energize the criminal element,” said the prosecutor.

Vohltz has been confined to his cell, and was not permitted to post bail.

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LIM monkeyPi -> 1/[monkey(pi)] = infinite posts

Published on 16 July 2006 in Humor. 0 Comments

haha.nu has posted a few examples of “funny” math.

math problem

Yes, some geeks have a sense of humor.

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Can’t we all just get along?

Published on 11 July 2006 in Humor. 1 Comment

Non-racist dogs

♬ ♩ eboneeee and ♪ ivoreeee♫ ♩

UPDATE:
… or maybe we can’t, after all. (Oh yes, I went there.)

monkeyShakesHead
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

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A series of tubes

Published on 5 July 2006 in Humor. 0 Comments

Tube's full
Oops… the interweb tubes are full of monkeys

You may have noticed that I don’t do political content here at monkeyPi. If that’s your thing, jump over to Technorati and you’ll find thousands of political blogs.

HOWEVER, this is (largely) a humor blog, and therefore I couldn’t pass on the opportunity to post this hilarious analysis of how the Internet works, according to the distinguished congressperson from Alaska:

There’s one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service is now going to go through the internet* and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let’s talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren’t using it for commercial purposes.

We aren’t earning anything by going on that internet. Now I’m not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people.

The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says “No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet”. No, I’m not finished. I want people to understand my position, I’m not going to take a lot of time.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck.

It’s a series of tubes.

And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can’t afford getting delayed by other people.

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it’s not using what consumers use every day.

It’s not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a viloation of net neutraility that hits you and me.

‘Nuff said.

Link

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Han shot first

Published on 18 June 2006 in Humor and Music/Books/Movies/Games. 0 Comments

George Lucas has finally caved, and will be releasing DVDs of the original three Star Wars films (Episodes IV, V, and VI) – unaltered.

That means you’ll finally be able to see Han shoot Greedo first on your own televison. Until now, all DVD owners have been able to see is the disgusting re-edit of that famous cantina scene, where Greedo shoots first, then Han responds in “self defense.”

Using a complex set of algorithms, modern computer technology, and a team of research scientists, I was able to re-create the original cantina scene. As you can clearly see in the quality rendering we were able to produce, Han clearly shoots first:


You’re bantha fodder Greedo!

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Monkey goodness

Published on 15 June 2006 in Humor. 0 Comments

Oldie but a goodie:

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A helpful translator

Published on 14 June 2006 in Family and Humor. 0 Comments

What she says: “Hey, know what I was just thinkin’?”
What she means: Get your toolbelt out, dude; your day is shot.
How you respond: [groan] “What?” *do what she says*
How you should NEVER respond: “Here’s my credit card… why don’t you go shopping while I watch the game?”

What she says: “Are you cold?”
What she means: Get a blanket for me.
How you respond: Get a blanket for her.
How you should NEVER respond: Offer to burn her old Tae-Bo videos for warmth.

What she says: “If I gave you one ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card to use, who would you use it on?”
What she means: I am thinking about Brad Pitt right now. Ask me the same question, so I can say Brad Pitt.
How you respond: “Nobody, sweetie. Why, who would you choose?” *she says Brad Pitt*
How you should NEVER respond: “I dunno; I’d probably use it on the lady who lives next door or something.”

What she says: “Do I look fat in this?”
What she means: Years of society repression, combined with the psychological scarring of a father who was never there for me, have left me with a deep-seated hatred of myself. I have no self-esteem, not even enough to get mad at myself, so I’ll put you on the spot so that I can get mad at you instead.
How you respond: “No way.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Does which part look fat?”

What she says: “WWWWHAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!”
What she means: I am due.
How you respond:*buy chocolate*
How you should NEVER respond: So… what’re we havin’ for dinner?

What she says: “Honey… are you in there?”
What she means: Why does he need to take 45-minute dumps, anyway?
How you respond: [groan] “Be out in a minute, babe.” *stop reading War and Peace, wash hands*
How you should NEVER respond: “Be out in a minute, babe.” *finish reading War and Peace*

What she says: “When is the game over?”
What she means: A Law and Order rerun is on, and I don’t want to go upstairs and watch it. Sure, I’ve seen it five times before, but he has no need to hog the High-Def TV for something as silly as the Rose Bowl.
How you respond: “Just a couple more minutes, sweetie.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Which Law and Order? Is it one with that Angie Harmon lawyer-chick?”

What she says: “Are you still up there writing?”
What she means: Is he still writing in that stupid blog?
How you respond: “Be done in a minute.”
How you should NEVER respond: “Be done in a minute… I’m just finishing up a post about you, babe.”

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